Onyx V St. Syr

This is my first attempt at an MFM or Microfantasy Monday. A weekly blog meme started by Ang the Sweltering Celt. Every week various bloggers post a short erotic story around a central theme. This week’s theme is Frustration so here goes:

Halfway through my third drink I pulled out my cell phone again, partly to check the time, and partly to double check that there wasn’t some missed text or call from her. I knew there wouldn’t be, but there’s always that small part of you that hopes that somehow you might just have missed it, and that miraculously you’ll find some message, some communication explaining why you’re sitting in some dive bar at 10:30 on a Friday night waiting for someone you know deep inside isn’t gonna show.

Nothing, no voicemail, no call, no text. I briefly toyed with the idea of calling her again, but what would be the point? It’s not like one more call would somehow succeed in attracting the attention that the first two had failed to gain. I finished the last of the cheap scotch as I shook my head to the bartenders inquiring eye and stood up. The bar was still far from crowded, but I knew that would change soon and I didn’t really feel like drinking by myself in the middle of a crowd of people ready to celebrate the end of the work week.

Outside it had started raining, a light drizzle typical for this time of year. I pulled my coat tighter around me as I pondered whether to flag a cab or take the subway home, it wasn’t a hard decision as I stepped to the curb to look for a taxi. Luckily it wasn’t long before I spotted the the familiar glow of a lit taxi sign. The rain was starting to come down harder as I got in the back seat and gave the driver my address. I was happy to note this cab driver was not the chatty type and we the ride home was passed in silence as I contemplated my frustration with being stood up.

As I rode home I could no longer resist the urge to try just one more call. Trying in vain to suppress the flickering of hope as the phone rang, then the disappointment as it went to voicemail. Putting the phone away I could feel bitterness and resentment rising again mingled with a sense of worry that something might have happened to her, some horrible thing that kept her from being able to let me know she couldn’t make it.

Arriving at my apartment building I got out, and headed inside. The apartment was dark and empty, I flicked on the kitchen light as I got a bottle of scotch out of the cupboard, pouring myself a generous amount as I sat down at the computer. A quick check confirmed what I already suspected, no e-mail, nothing from her as to why she had failed to show up. “Goddamn it all” I muttered to myself and took a deep sip of my scotch. Feeling the night was already ruined beyond repair I decided I might as well call it a night.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, frowning slightly I got up to answer. There she was, dressed in the same hot, red dress she’d worn the first time we met, an unapologetic smile on her red lips as she whispered “Miss me?”

I frowned, caught between the anger I’d been feeling and the undeniably pleasant surprise of seeing her after all. “I waited for over an hour and a half at the bar” I stuttered “Where the hell were you?”
“Outside” she replied “Waiting for you to get tired of waiting and head home.” “What the hell?” I barked, “Why would you do that?”
She just laughed as she strode into the apartment, looking straight at me with her intensely green eyes. “Why baby, isn’t it obvious?” She asked, her tone deep and seductive
“You always fuck me harder when your angry.”

One thing I haven’t really touched upon so far in this blog, but which I plan to write about quite a bit is magic or magick as it’s often called by modern practitioners. This is a subject that will likely confuse a few of my readers so I will attempt to attempt some of my current thoughts and beliefs about the matter here in an effort to make it easier for the “uninitiated” to have an idea of what I’m talking about.

Magick has been a central part of my life for the last 13 years or so. It’s been instrumental in shaping my identity and sense of self and can really be said to inform everything else in my life to at least some degree.

Magick is of course a popular theme in literature and movies and games and is through this kind of pop culture most people get their ideas of magick. Even many people who claim to practice magick tend to think it’s about fancy spells that in and of themselves somehow bring about miraculous results. This is especially the case in the more commercialized and watered down magical traditions often associated with modern Neopaganism and the New Age movement.

So what exactly is magick to me? Truth is, I try to avoid the trap of saying exactly what it IS and instead focus on what it DOES. Among modern magicians there are several different models that seek to explain how magick works, from the spiritual model which claims there really are “unseen forces” such as Gods, angels, demons etc that have an objective existence and that the magician can interact with. To the psychological model which claims these “beings” are merely aspects of the subconscious psyche that the magcian learns to access through his/her work. For more info on these and other models please see this excellent summary by modern magical author Frater U.’.D.’.

Regardless of which of these models one employs, my experience is that by doing certain things certain results follow. If nothing else, a dedicated and prolonged practice of certain ritual techniques has proven remarkably effective as a means of achieving personal growth and self-insight.

While I’ve explored a number of occult systems and traditions over the years, my main focus has been with a system taught by a 19th century occult group known as the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn (henceforth referred to by the initials GD). The history of the GD is fascinating and worth the time to google it, but suffice to say that their work has influenced just about any Western occult group since, even groups that aren’t aware of it such as the modern Neopagan and Wiccan movements.

In the GD system magick initiates are gradually trained to employ a vast and complex set of symbols and correspondences that through sustained reinforcement causes at the very least a “rewiring” of the brain in a way that allows a person to gain some measure of control of the often competing or even conflicting aspects of the psyche. This set of symbols draws from and integrates a range of occult traditions, from Astrology and tarot, to Qabalah or kabbalah as it’s often known, alchemy and ritual magick. The GD system in itself is fairly neutral from a religious points of view and employs religious imagery from Egyptian and other pagan traditions as well as Judaic and Christian mysticism without requiring a literal belief in either.

Through study and daily ritual and meditative work initiates gradually achieve a greater and greater mastery of the self, and by doing so also acquire a greater ability to control their own situation in the world around them. It requires years and years of dedicated work and patience to work properly, and sadly that is something few people are willing to invest, so you have many students trying to use various shortcuts, usually they end up becoming disillusioned and claim “it doesn’t work”, which is a statement that can only be refuted by saying “it does for me.”

I am certainly not a perfect practitioner. I’ve had long periods of time in my life where I’ve neglected the work, especially in the last few years while living in Salt Lake. I’ve come to realize how much this has cost me as a person, how in many ways I have withered and atrophied mentally, emotionally and dare I say spiritually? In the last few months however I feel I’ve gotten back on track and find myself amazed at how good it feels to be doing the work again and how it’s rapidly changing me into a stronger and more balanced person.

I will probably be writing a lot more about this, but in the meanwhile feel free to ask me more if there’s anything you’d like me to elaborate further upon. And if you think this is all just mumbo-jumbo and a grand waste of time…..you’re probably right

Yeah, yeah. I will actually post some content here SOON, I promise. In the meanwhile here’s an HNT to tide you over.

It’s another getting ready for work one. What can I say? I always forget about these until Thursday morning when it’s time to get ready for work.