Onyx V St. Syr

So as many of you know, our poly triad is no more. It blew up rather spectacularly and beyond repair. Scarlet wrote a post about the break up and her account of things is pretty accurate. It’s been nearly a month and I don’t feel like going into further details.

In the weeks that have followed I’ve had a lot of time for introspection, to think about what went wrong and in retrospect it seems so surreal, so crazy. There were so many warning signs, so many things we should have done differently, but we didn’t and so it had to end.

Marla and Scarlet are both gone now, moving back with their respective parents. It’s weird living here by myself now. I haven’t lived totally on my own in a very very long time and adjusting is not easy. I miss Scarlet fiercely, but I am glad she is taking the time she needs for herself. She is working on figuring her life out and I know she needs to. She has gotten a piercing apprenticeship up in her hometown with a piercer she knows and trusts. It’s something I know she’d be good good at and something she’d enjoy doing. I am happy for her, though it means she will not be returning to Seattle in a long long time, possibly several years.

I don’t know what the future will bring. I am taking things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Trying to figure out where to go from here. Scarlet is not the only person who needs to find a focus for her life, I very much need to as well. I gotta learn to define myself as an individual, not just as part of a relationship. I’ve grown a lot these last 4 years with Scarlet. I still have a lot of growth to do. I hope she and I have a future together, but that is dependent on us both focusing on ourselves and our individual growth for a good while first.

So I was gonna do this for this week’s HNT, but life has been absolutely crazy lately. Nevertheless I have a Zombie fetish and wanna share some of the pics from Halloween. So here yo go. Half Nekkid Zombie

Another MFM today. This weeks theme is “Photos” courtesy of Ang the Sweltering Celt

Their naked bodies clash together with the raw intensity of repressed need. Yearning for the heat of skin against skin, aching for that physical closeness, for some kind of connection. They eagerly lose themselves in this stolen moment, where all other worries and concerns can be pushed away and forgotten about and nothing matters except the pure, hungry desire that’s been building between them.

There is a certain beautiful desperation to their lovemaking, hurried, wild and passionate. Their eyes seem filled with nothing but the desire they feel as they feed upon each others cravings. It might not be love, but who says lust can’t be just as powerful?

For a moment I hesitate before snapping a few more shots of them from across the street. I’m not particularly proud of my job, but it’s a living. Her husband will pay well for these pictures.

Alright folks,

Today’s HNT is kinda light on the half-nekkid part, but since someone on twitter doubted the epicness of my pre-coffee, pre-shower bedhead I felt compelled to offer up some evidence. One day someone will start asking why my HNTs always seem to emphasize hair of some sort…..

This is my first attempt at an MFM or Microfantasy Monday. A weekly blog meme started by Ang the Sweltering Celt. Every week various bloggers post a short erotic story around a central theme. This week’s theme is Frustration so here goes:

Halfway through my third drink I pulled out my cell phone again, partly to check the time, and partly to double check that there wasn’t some missed text or call from her. I knew there wouldn’t be, but there’s always that small part of you that hopes that somehow you might just have missed it, and that miraculously you’ll find some message, some communication explaining why you’re sitting in some dive bar at 10:30 on a Friday night waiting for someone you know deep inside isn’t gonna show.

Nothing, no voicemail, no call, no text. I briefly toyed with the idea of calling her again, but what would be the point? It’s not like one more call would somehow succeed in attracting the attention that the first two had failed to gain. I finished the last of the cheap scotch as I shook my head to the bartenders inquiring eye and stood up. The bar was still far from crowded, but I knew that would change soon and I didn’t really feel like drinking by myself in the middle of a crowd of people ready to celebrate the end of the work week.

Outside it had started raining, a light drizzle typical for this time of year. I pulled my coat tighter around me as I pondered whether to flag a cab or take the subway home, it wasn’t a hard decision as I stepped to the curb to look for a taxi. Luckily it wasn’t long before I spotted the the familiar glow of a lit taxi sign. The rain was starting to come down harder as I got in the back seat and gave the driver my address. I was happy to note this cab driver was not the chatty type and we the ride home was passed in silence as I contemplated my frustration with being stood up.

As I rode home I could no longer resist the urge to try just one more call. Trying in vain to suppress the flickering of hope as the phone rang, then the disappointment as it went to voicemail. Putting the phone away I could feel bitterness and resentment rising again mingled with a sense of worry that something might have happened to her, some horrible thing that kept her from being able to let me know she couldn’t make it.

Arriving at my apartment building I got out, and headed inside. The apartment was dark and empty, I flicked on the kitchen light as I got a bottle of scotch out of the cupboard, pouring myself a generous amount as I sat down at the computer. A quick check confirmed what I already suspected, no e-mail, nothing from her as to why she had failed to show up. “Goddamn it all” I muttered to myself and took a deep sip of my scotch. Feeling the night was already ruined beyond repair I decided I might as well call it a night.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, frowning slightly I got up to answer. There she was, dressed in the same hot, red dress she’d worn the first time we met, an unapologetic smile on her red lips as she whispered “Miss me?”

I frowned, caught between the anger I’d been feeling and the undeniably pleasant surprise of seeing her after all. “I waited for over an hour and a half at the bar” I stuttered “Where the hell were you?”
“Outside” she replied “Waiting for you to get tired of waiting and head home.” “What the hell?” I barked, “Why would you do that?”
She just laughed as she strode into the apartment, looking straight at me with her intensely green eyes. “Why baby, isn’t it obvious?” She asked, her tone deep and seductive
“You always fuck me harder when your angry.”

One thing I haven’t really touched upon so far in this blog, but which I plan to write about quite a bit is magic or magick as it’s often called by modern practitioners. This is a subject that will likely confuse a few of my readers so I will attempt to attempt some of my current thoughts and beliefs about the matter here in an effort to make it easier for the “uninitiated” to have an idea of what I’m talking about.

Magick has been a central part of my life for the last 13 years or so. It’s been instrumental in shaping my identity and sense of self and can really be said to inform everything else in my life to at least some degree.

Magick is of course a popular theme in literature and movies and games and is through this kind of pop culture most people get their ideas of magick. Even many people who claim to practice magick tend to think it’s about fancy spells that in and of themselves somehow bring about miraculous results. This is especially the case in the more commercialized and watered down magical traditions often associated with modern Neopaganism and the New Age movement.

So what exactly is magick to me? Truth is, I try to avoid the trap of saying exactly what it IS and instead focus on what it DOES. Among modern magicians there are several different models that seek to explain how magick works, from the spiritual model which claims there really are “unseen forces” such as Gods, angels, demons etc that have an objective existence and that the magician can interact with. To the psychological model which claims these “beings” are merely aspects of the subconscious psyche that the magcian learns to access through his/her work. For more info on these and other models please see this excellent summary by modern magical author Frater U.’.D.’.

Regardless of which of these models one employs, my experience is that by doing certain things certain results follow. If nothing else, a dedicated and prolonged practice of certain ritual techniques has proven remarkably effective as a means of achieving personal growth and self-insight.

While I’ve explored a number of occult systems and traditions over the years, my main focus has been with a system taught by a 19th century occult group known as the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn (henceforth referred to by the initials GD). The history of the GD is fascinating and worth the time to google it, but suffice to say that their work has influenced just about any Western occult group since, even groups that aren’t aware of it such as the modern Neopagan and Wiccan movements.

In the GD system magick initiates are gradually trained to employ a vast and complex set of symbols and correspondences that through sustained reinforcement causes at the very least a “rewiring” of the brain in a way that allows a person to gain some measure of control of the often competing or even conflicting aspects of the psyche. This set of symbols draws from and integrates a range of occult traditions, from Astrology and tarot, to Qabalah or kabbalah as it’s often known, alchemy and ritual magick. The GD system in itself is fairly neutral from a religious points of view and employs religious imagery from Egyptian and other pagan traditions as well as Judaic and Christian mysticism without requiring a literal belief in either.

Through study and daily ritual and meditative work initiates gradually achieve a greater and greater mastery of the self, and by doing so also acquire a greater ability to control their own situation in the world around them. It requires years and years of dedicated work and patience to work properly, and sadly that is something few people are willing to invest, so you have many students trying to use various shortcuts, usually they end up becoming disillusioned and claim “it doesn’t work”, which is a statement that can only be refuted by saying “it does for me.”

I am certainly not a perfect practitioner. I’ve had long periods of time in my life where I’ve neglected the work, especially in the last few years while living in Salt Lake. I’ve come to realize how much this has cost me as a person, how in many ways I have withered and atrophied mentally, emotionally and dare I say spiritually? In the last few months however I feel I’ve gotten back on track and find myself amazed at how good it feels to be doing the work again and how it’s rapidly changing me into a stronger and more balanced person.

I will probably be writing a lot more about this, but in the meanwhile feel free to ask me more if there’s anything you’d like me to elaborate further upon. And if you think this is all just mumbo-jumbo and a grand waste of time…..you’re probably right

Yeah, yeah. I will actually post some content here SOON, I promise. In the meanwhile here’s an HNT to tide you over.

It’s another getting ready for work one. What can I say? I always forget about these until Thursday morning when it’s time to get ready for work.

One of the things I really love about my job is the extremely lax dress code. After working way to long in the financial services industry, it’s nice to work somewhere that doesn’t require slacks and a button-down shirt every day.

Still, on occasion we get important visitors and are asked to dress kinda nice. Today is one of those days, so time to dress up a little.

Hello Scarlet,

Today it’s been three years. Three years since you left that cute little hippie burg Ashland to come live with me in that dreadful place that is Salt Lake City.

We’ve lived together 1096 days and as I’m writing this all sorts of memories are running through my head.

The stress of being roommates with the Scorpio. The joy of living with Pixie. The freedom of living without roommates.

We’ve survived bedbugs and Mormons. We’ve bought things together and thrown most of our belongings in a dumpster together. We’ve made some friends, but for the moat part it was the two of us getting by in a hostile place.

I think of some of the adventures we’ve gone on together, like our trip to Vegas for your birthday, our trip to Europe and to see your family in Alaska. I think of the few times we’ve been apart.

I think of how we’ve driven each other crazy, both with passion and with frustration. How we’ve been close and distant, hot and cold.

We have had good times and bad, and things have turned out very differently than I think either one of us imagined.
In spite of this I love living with you and would not trade these last three years got anything.

I love you Scarlet, more than I ever dreamed possible.

Tag, I’m it! So yeah, I was tagged by the magnificent Roxy of Uncommon Curiosity along with 9 others to reveal 10 honest new things about myself.

Technically I’m supposed to tag 10 other bloggers to do the same, but being late to the party I see that just about any blogger I know and read has been tagged already. So being the rebel I am I will leave it open to anyone who reads to consider themselves tagged. So if you want to play along, go ahead and link back to me, tag 10 other people and then go on to list 10 honest things about yourself, just like I am about to do.

So here goes.

1: I love traveling and really don’t do enough of it anymore. I’ve been to 18 different countries and 21 different States. While I love to travel I hate doing typically tourist stuff. I prefer to explore places on my own and just absorb the local culture and atmosphere.

2: I didn’t meet my father until I was 7 years old and we’ve always had a strained relationship that’s only begun to mend in the last couple years after a period of not talking at all for over 5 years.

3 I lost my virginity at 15 on a sandy beach. it was an incredibly disappointing and not-at-all-wonderful experience, that mainly taught me to hate sand. I imagine it was an equally disappointing experience for the girl I was with. It was also her first time.

3: I was a stereotypical D&D nerd in high school. I went through most of my teenage years being incredibly awkward socially, and spent most weekends in someone’s basement pretending to be an elf or something.

4: My only other sexual experiences during high school was with a male friend. It was the closest thing I’ve ever had to being in any kind of relationship with a man, though it never went beyond the occasional fuckbuddy stage. Despite having accepted my bi- or pansexuality since I was a teenager I am even more shy and socially awkward around guys I’m attracted to than I am around women and have never had the guts to really pursue a relationship with another guy.

5: I really hate talking on the phone. Maybe it comes from having worked in call centers too long, but I really really hate it. If I ever talk to you for more than 10 minutes on the phone, chances are I like you a LOT.

6: I hate peanuts, I also hate peanut butter, peanut sauce, just about anything peanut-like. Even the smell can make me gag.

7: I’ve belonged to way too many occult groups, secret societies, lodges etc etc. None of them are even close to being as scary and fun as Christian fundies make them out to be.

8: I love to walk. I walk a lot and love being able to walk just about anywhere I need to go here in Seattle. I even walk to and from work which is a 40 minute walk each way. It’s been a great way to lose weight and it gives me a sense of peace. Walking is like meditation for me and often helps me clear my head and sort things out in my mind.

9: I loathe Creationists and Intelligent Design advocates in particular and scientifically illiterate people in general. I have very little respect for people who don’t have at least a basic understanding of how the scientific method works.

10: I think Robert Anton Wilson is the most under appreciated genius of our time. His writings have been instrumental to me forming my own identity and understanding of life and the world around us. He is the only person I never met whose death made me cry.